Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
So squirting runs in the family.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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