This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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