ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
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