She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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