Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I want to be your penis for a week.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
