Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
