She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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