I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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