Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
