I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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