Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
