Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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