I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Is it because I queefed?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize