One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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