What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
