I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
