Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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