i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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