Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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