I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just blew my weed a kiss
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
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