Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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