She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
