Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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