I wannas sexs uuuuu
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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