First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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