You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
