It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Less talking, more tequila
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
