how hairy? two words: wookie tits
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
