I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Randomize
