I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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