I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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