dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
