So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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