I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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