So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
