i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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