not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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