you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I cockslap morals
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
