Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
