Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
