Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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