oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
