i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
