dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
