i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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