I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
