An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
