so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
