No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
