She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
