so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
